Growing up, you often think that life should follow some specific outline. Do well in high school, go to college, find the love of your life, graduate, get a job, get married. That's what I thought for a long time. In fact, at one point in time, I thought I had found the one. The wedding was planned. And then, through a series of events, I realized that he was not the one. I moved on, and I thought I could jump right back on the perfect outline.
I am now 25, single, with a master's degree in a field I don't love (public admin, aka government). At my graduation in May, I felt despair, regret, and shame. I had made many decisions I wanted to change and I wasn't happy with who I had become. The job front looked bleak, and I didn't know where to go next.
At the end of May, living in my parents' guest bedroom, sharing a bathroom with my 13 year-old brother, and still jobless, I made a decision. There are some things you can change in life, and some things you cannot. I knew I wasn't happy with who I was and the path I was on, so I started to change what I could. I returned to church after years away. I decided to give abstinence a try after too much casual sex. And I took a leap of faith and agreed to work a week as a lifeguard/instructor at a Boy Scout Camp with a college friend.
Fast forward 5 months later. I have a job that I love where I truly feel I am making a difference. I moved to Winston-Salem, NC and have reconnected with my Dad's side of the family. I feel closer to my roots than ever before. I have joined Ardmore UMC and jumped right in to teaching the young adult Sunday School (crazy or ambitious...you decide). I am advising the Duke Chapter of my sorority that I just joined in April (Again...crazy or ambitious?). Already, I have made some great friends in North Carolina. However, I still feel like something is missing in my life.
That's when it hit me. I can talk the talk and walk the walk. I'm great at faking it until I make it. However, I still have a lot of room to grow in my faith. There are many decisions in my life that I still need to come to terms with, forgive myself, and move forward from before I can be happy. I need to be more okay with myself before adding another person to the equation.
I'm not on life's perfect time line. In fact, I'm far from it.But, I have a new beginning here in North Carolina that is treating me great so far. Now, it's time to make my joy a priority. It's time to accept myself and move forward. Through years of counseling (both as a client and as a psych student), I have been told countless times that I should write and journal. Well, this is my attempt at that.
