Accepting Forgiveness

I have discovered a new blog that I keep reading the past few days. To be honest, it has prompted a lot of ideas I want to write about while simultaneously distracting me from writing! So...I finally settled on one idea and here I go.

For a long time, I have struggled with feeling disconnected from God. The past six months, I have drawn closer than I have been in a long time, but I still struggle with insecurities and doubt. How can God really forgive me for all the mistakes I've made? What if I make more mistakes? Will friends, family, and my future husband be able to forgive me?

I think Phylicia put it great in her post "Failing God: Why Accepting Grace will be Your Best Choice This Christmas Season". I hold onto the guilt and the fault from the mistakes I have made. Trust me...I've heard it before- if you don't forgive yourself, you're doubting God's forgiveness. But I still struggle with the idea of completely wiping clean the past.

I have been viewing things as on my record but stamped with "Forgiveness". I constantly remind myself that things are still their for everyone to see and know. I feel like anyone looking at me can see the mistakes I've made instead of the Christian I am trying to be.

Clearly this is an area I still need to work on. I need to better understand God's forgiveness and God's grace. Instead of focusing on the mistakes I've made and living in fear of making them again, I am excited to start this new year focusing on loving God and letting my behaviors stem from that fact.

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments" John 14:15

My focus will be on loving God so I can live in forgiveness and freedom of fear.

Take Me as I Am

I have always been a people pleaser. Growing up, I tried my best to be the top of class, the best musician, the best leader in youth group. As I continued in school, this drive continued. I wanted to please my parents, my professors, and my friends. I wanted everyone to like me. Unfortunately, this caused another phenomenon; morphing my values and morals to fit those I was around.

Because I felt the need to have a lot of friends, I often drifted between friend groups. It was somewhere in college that I realized I didn't mix my friend groups because they couldn't mix. I had friends who were as opposite as could be, yet somehow I fit with both groups. This applied to my dating life as well. I joke that I have no "type". I have dated someone that falls into almost any category you could imagine.

Self-reflection is a powerful thing. And it's funny what triggers it. Recently. I was trying to prove myself as the best candidate for something. I was stressing myself out and trying to guess what the committee would be interested in. Finally, after a week and a half of stress, I said forget it. I decided to focus on the unique interests, experiences, and abilities that I bring to the table as an individual. As days have past since that decision, I've begun to have further revelations. I don't want to fit with any friend group. I don't want to date someone just because they want to date me. I don't want to change who I am because it's what I think other people want from me.

I still wonder every day what God has in store for me. However, I have realized that he can't really show me what that is when I'm not being true to myself and to him. So...from here on out, my mantra is going to be "Take me as I am". I am not perfect. I have flaws; I make mistakes. But what I am is me. With my experiences, interests, quirks, mistakes, life lessons, goals, values, passions, and hobbies. It's cliche, but it's true...You can't be a first rate you if you're busy being a second rate someone else.

Patience and Faithfulness

I love my church. Every time I go to Sunday morning or Wednesday night, I leave feeling refreshed, back on track, and at peace. The past few weeks I haven't been able to be fully present, so this morning was definitely a gift. To top it off, I was blessed to have lunch with my pastor and his wife; a lunch filled with thought-provoking conversations.

Today I was clearly reminded the importance of patience, and the fact that God does everything in his own time. Our Sunday School class is studying the advent, and this is the first time I fully dived into the birth story of John the Baptist. The people of Israel hadn't heard from God in hundreds of years. However, they continued their religious rituals of prayers and burning incense. They patiently waited and prayed; prayed and waited. Finally, when something does happen, it's 9 months before the baby is even born, and then John the Baptist has to grow up in the desert before beginning his ministry. Not to mention, he is paving the way for the true Messiah...Yet more waiting!

I am not a very patient person. I am very well aware of that. I want answers and things right here right now. I am slowly learning to appreciate God's timing, however I sometimes still find it easy to slip off my prayers and Bible study when I don't feel like life is happening how and when I want it to happen. Today's class and sermon remind me to stay faithful and disciplined. God's answer will come when the time is right. So for now...Praying for patience on top of my other prayers!

A Call To Service

Over the past few days, there has been a consistent message coming through loud and clear: Serve. Let me clarify...This has come through my Bible study, the church sermon, my psychology reading (Happiness Hypothesis), and my MOOC on emotionally intelligent leadership. Oh, it probably has been mentioned at work, and I was reminded of it when reviewing my sorority core values. As I mentioned...It's been a pretty consistent message.

To go a little into my background, service used to be a solid part of my life. I began volunteering at inner-city VBS programs in 4th grade. In middle school I would regularly go to the food pantry. High school brought mission trips over the summer. Then somewhere in college, things began to get complicated. Which is weird since I have a degree in non-profit management. However, somewhere in college, my service began to be "what's in it for me?" Does it count towards class credit? Can I earn a scholarship with it? Will it help my grad school application? I was still doing service, but I noticed a definite change in my heart.

Then came grad school. Service outside of what was required for my job or what would benefit me really seemed to go out the window. Yes, I served (and still serve) as philanthropy advisor for chapters of my sorority, but that is more sharing knowledge on event planning. I wasn't (and still don't much) serving my community. I used the excuse of no time and no money. Nothing was convenient. I knew I should volunteer, and I regularly researched opportunities, however I never stepped up.

Now the message is clear. I need to serve my community. The Bible calls me to it. Psychology says I will be overall happier if I do.  Emotional Intelligence says I will be a better leader and improve the lives of those I work with professionally. It's time to stop making excuses and respond to the call.

Pruning

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm thinking when I volunteer for things or commit to new things. Shortly after joining my church here in NC, I agreed to teach the young adult Sunday school (as in...within 6 weeks of visiting for the first time). Now, this was huge because I hadn't regularly attended church in over 3 years. I'm not quite sure what they were thinking agreeing to let me teach. BUT...sometimes they best way to learn is to teach.

This past week, the lesson really stuck out to me. It hit close to thoughts I've been having and gave a Biblical basis to my thoughts. I guess God was helping me discern what he was already telling me.

John 15 shares the story of Jesus being the True Vine. Jesus provides us sustaining life such as the vine provides water and nutrients to the grapes. The story continues that God is the gardener. God removes the branches that bear no fruit, and prunes those that produce fruit.

Wait...God prunes his children. Pruning still involves cutting and trimming! That's painful! However, while I don't know much about gardening, I do know that pruning removes dead or sick parts of a plant to allow the good fruit and branches to grow and thrive. That is what God does for us. He prunes the things in our life that hold us back and make us spiritually sick. It might hurt at the moment, but it allows our True Vine to provide more nutrients to the healthy parts so that we bear more good fruit in the world.

I had already realized areas in my life that needed pruning. From still using alcohol as a coping mechanism some times, to knowingly fostering and seeking the wrong types of friendships, I still have a lot of room to grow in my Christian life. Lately, I've felt my depression slowly creeping back into my life. I think this is God's way of showing me that it's time for a pruning. Sometimes God prunes by force, but I think other times God opens our eyes so that we work with him. I'm beginning to make more conscious decisions about how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and how I cope with frustrations. It's a slow process, but it's time to prune the sick, damaging parts of my life out so that I can bear more of the good fruit!

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit.
John 15: 1-2

Finding True Love

I feel like every young girl grows up hoping to find true love. With so many romance movies, whether Disney, Romantic Comedy, Action with some Romance, etc, it's no wonder! I was, and am still, no different. I have spent more time than I care to admit hoping to find true love.

I've done it all I feel like. Tried dating classmates, friends, and guys in my residence hall. I have used EHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and yes...even Tindr. Eventually, I started lowering my standards. The cute guy at the bar? Who may only be cute because I'm drunk? Sure! Eventually, sex started leading to relationships instead of the other way around.

I hit a point where I was no longer happy with my relationships. I knew that I couldn't find the love of my life if I kept looking in the same places. But where to try next? Online dating didn't seem to work for me, bar dating CLEARLY didn't work, and I felt like all of peer group was already in long-term relationships.

June 1st, I realized I had to make a change. How could I find the man of my dreams if I kept being distracted by the man of right now. I made a commitment to abstinence, self-improvement, and trying to rebuild my relationship with God. I took to heart the idea that you need to be a person who you would want to date.

Through all this I have realized many things. Being single is HARD! At 25, I look around and the majority of my friends and peer group are married or in long-term partnerships, and some even have kids! It's easy to feel left out of discussions because I just don't get it yet. Also, why is it that every other article on my facebook feed is about dating, finding the right man, how you know who to marry...Is that all anyone thinks about?

I think the biggest lesson I have learned though is this- I have found true love. I have a Father in Heaven who has already given so much to me. He accepts me as I am, challenges me, and helps me grow. I used to hear the following saying and laugh -A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him to find her (Max Lucado). It didn't make sense to me. Now, I better understand. Instead of spending my time on dating sites, I should be reading my Bible. Instead of being at the bar looking for potential dates, I should be fostering my Christian friendships. Instead of dates with guys who I KNOW don't meet my standards, I should be serving my community in God's name.

When the time is right, God will bring the right man to me. Until then, I will continue to fall madly in love with God and foster that relationship. It's not always easy, but it makes so much more sense!

In Good Company

I've heard through the years a lot about the importance of who I spend time with day to day. There is the idea that you can tell a lot about a person by who is around them. There is also the idea that you become like the 5 people you spend are around the most. Keeping good company appears to be very important.

I used to be a very social person. I still am to an extent, though I value my alone time much more than I did in college. I've noticed a distinct change in the people I hang out with though. In high school and college, I worked hard to be accepted by the company I felt I should keep. This meant compromising my morals and values to fit in sometimes. Alcohol made it easier to hang out with people who I wouldn't normal "fit" with so I could be part of the group. I would go along with what guys wanted in order to not be "that girl" and to feel accepted.

Somewhere along the way I realized I was becoming like those I spent my time with each day.  I wasn't growing in my faith, in fact I quit going to church at all after befriending some outspoken atheists. I was drinking more, smoking cigarettes more, and honestly debating weed for the first time ever.

Moving to North Carolina, I knew I wanted to get connected to good company. I had rekindled my relationship with Jesus over the summer, and so I quickly sought after a church family. Multiple times throughout the Old and New Testament, we hear about the importance of communing with brothers and sisters in Christ. While we are told to go out in to the world and be a testimony, I have realized the importance of having good company by your side both when you go and when you come home.

I am very thankful for the good company I have found both in my peers at Salem College and at Ardmore UMC. I feel supported and welcomed without judgment. Sometimes it's better to be surrounded by a small group of good company than part of a large crowd pulling you away from yourself.

Where to Begin?

Growing up, you often think that life should follow some specific outline. Do well in high school, go to college, find the love of your life, graduate, get a job, get married. That's what I thought for a long time. In fact, at one point in time, I thought I had found the one. The wedding was planned. And then, through a series of events, I realized that he was not the one. I moved on, and I thought I could jump right back on the perfect outline.

I am now 25, single, with a master's degree in a field I don't love (public admin, aka government). At my graduation in May, I felt despair, regret, and shame. I had made many decisions I wanted to change and I wasn't happy with who I had become. The job front looked bleak, and I didn't know where to go next.

At the end of May, living in my parents' guest bedroom, sharing a bathroom with my 13 year-old brother, and still jobless, I made a decision. There are some things you can change in life, and some things you cannot. I knew I wasn't happy with who I was and the path I was on, so I started to change what I could. I returned to church after years away. I decided to give abstinence a try after too much casual sex. And I took a leap of faith and agreed to work a week as a lifeguard/instructor at a Boy Scout Camp with a college friend.

Fast forward 5 months later. I have a job that I love where I truly feel I am making a difference. I moved to Winston-Salem, NC and have reconnected with my Dad's side of the family. I feel closer to my roots than ever before. I have joined Ardmore UMC and jumped right in to teaching the young adult Sunday School (crazy or ambitious...you decide). I am advising the Duke Chapter of my sorority that I just joined in April (Again...crazy or ambitious?). Already, I have made some great friends in North Carolina. However, I still feel like something is missing in my life.

That's when it hit me. I can talk the talk and walk the walk. I'm great at faking it until I make it. However, I still have a lot of room to grow in my faith. There are many decisions in my life that I still need to come to terms with, forgive myself, and move forward from before I can be happy. I need to be more okay with myself before adding another person to the equation.

I'm not on life's perfect time line. In fact, I'm far from it.But, I have a new beginning here in North Carolina that is treating me great so far. Now, it's time to make my joy a priority. It's time to accept myself and move forward. Through years of counseling (both as a client and as a psych student), I have been told countless times that I should write and journal. Well, this is my attempt at that.