I have discovered a new blog that I keep reading the past few days. To be honest, it has prompted a lot of ideas I want to write about while simultaneously distracting me from writing! So...I finally settled on one idea and here I go.
For a long time, I have struggled with feeling disconnected from God. The past six months, I have drawn closer than I have been in a long time, but I still struggle with insecurities and doubt. How can God really forgive me for all the mistakes I've made? What if I make more mistakes? Will friends, family, and my future husband be able to forgive me?
I think Phylicia put it great in her post "Failing God: Why Accepting Grace will be Your Best Choice This Christmas Season". I hold onto the guilt and the fault from the mistakes I have made. Trust me...I've heard it before- if you don't forgive yourself, you're doubting God's forgiveness. But I still struggle with the idea of completely wiping clean the past.
I have been viewing things as on my record but stamped with "Forgiveness". I constantly remind myself that things are still their for everyone to see and know. I feel like anyone looking at me can see the mistakes I've made instead of the Christian I am trying to be.
Clearly this is an area I still need to work on. I need to better understand God's forgiveness and God's grace. Instead of focusing on the mistakes I've made and living in fear of making them again, I am excited to start this new year focusing on loving God and letting my behaviors stem from that fact.
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments" John 14:15
My focus will be on loving God so I can live in forgiveness and freedom of fear.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Take Me as I Am
I have always been a people pleaser. Growing up, I tried my best to be the top of class, the best musician, the best leader in youth group. As I continued in school, this drive continued. I wanted to please my parents, my professors, and my friends. I wanted everyone to like me. Unfortunately, this caused another phenomenon; morphing my values and morals to fit those I was around.
Because I felt the need to have a lot of friends, I often drifted between friend groups. It was somewhere in college that I realized I didn't mix my friend groups because they couldn't mix. I had friends who were as opposite as could be, yet somehow I fit with both groups. This applied to my dating life as well. I joke that I have no "type". I have dated someone that falls into almost any category you could imagine.
Self-reflection is a powerful thing. And it's funny what triggers it. Recently. I was trying to prove myself as the best candidate for something. I was stressing myself out and trying to guess what the committee would be interested in. Finally, after a week and a half of stress, I said forget it. I decided to focus on the unique interests, experiences, and abilities that I bring to the table as an individual. As days have past since that decision, I've begun to have further revelations. I don't want to fit with any friend group. I don't want to date someone just because they want to date me. I don't want to change who I am because it's what I think other people want from me.
I still wonder every day what God has in store for me. However, I have realized that he can't really show me what that is when I'm not being true to myself and to him. So...from here on out, my mantra is going to be "Take me as I am". I am not perfect. I have flaws; I make mistakes. But what I am is me. With my experiences, interests, quirks, mistakes, life lessons, goals, values, passions, and hobbies. It's cliche, but it's true...You can't be a first rate you if you're busy being a second rate someone else.
Because I felt the need to have a lot of friends, I often drifted between friend groups. It was somewhere in college that I realized I didn't mix my friend groups because they couldn't mix. I had friends who were as opposite as could be, yet somehow I fit with both groups. This applied to my dating life as well. I joke that I have no "type". I have dated someone that falls into almost any category you could imagine.
Self-reflection is a powerful thing. And it's funny what triggers it. Recently. I was trying to prove myself as the best candidate for something. I was stressing myself out and trying to guess what the committee would be interested in. Finally, after a week and a half of stress, I said forget it. I decided to focus on the unique interests, experiences, and abilities that I bring to the table as an individual. As days have past since that decision, I've begun to have further revelations. I don't want to fit with any friend group. I don't want to date someone just because they want to date me. I don't want to change who I am because it's what I think other people want from me.
I still wonder every day what God has in store for me. However, I have realized that he can't really show me what that is when I'm not being true to myself and to him. So...from here on out, my mantra is going to be "Take me as I am". I am not perfect. I have flaws; I make mistakes. But what I am is me. With my experiences, interests, quirks, mistakes, life lessons, goals, values, passions, and hobbies. It's cliche, but it's true...You can't be a first rate you if you're busy being a second rate someone else.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Patience and Faithfulness
I love my church. Every time I go to Sunday morning or Wednesday night, I leave feeling refreshed, back on track, and at peace. The past few weeks I haven't been able to be fully present, so this morning was definitely a gift. To top it off, I was blessed to have lunch with my pastor and his wife; a lunch filled with thought-provoking conversations.
Today I was clearly reminded the importance of patience, and the fact that God does everything in his own time. Our Sunday School class is studying the advent, and this is the first time I fully dived into the birth story of John the Baptist. The people of Israel hadn't heard from God in hundreds of years. However, they continued their religious rituals of prayers and burning incense. They patiently waited and prayed; prayed and waited. Finally, when something does happen, it's 9 months before the baby is even born, and then John the Baptist has to grow up in the desert before beginning his ministry. Not to mention, he is paving the way for the true Messiah...Yet more waiting!
I am not a very patient person. I am very well aware of that. I want answers and things right here right now. I am slowly learning to appreciate God's timing, however I sometimes still find it easy to slip off my prayers and Bible study when I don't feel like life is happening how and when I want it to happen. Today's class and sermon remind me to stay faithful and disciplined. God's answer will come when the time is right. So for now...Praying for patience on top of my other prayers!
Today I was clearly reminded the importance of patience, and the fact that God does everything in his own time. Our Sunday School class is studying the advent, and this is the first time I fully dived into the birth story of John the Baptist. The people of Israel hadn't heard from God in hundreds of years. However, they continued their religious rituals of prayers and burning incense. They patiently waited and prayed; prayed and waited. Finally, when something does happen, it's 9 months before the baby is even born, and then John the Baptist has to grow up in the desert before beginning his ministry. Not to mention, he is paving the way for the true Messiah...Yet more waiting!
I am not a very patient person. I am very well aware of that. I want answers and things right here right now. I am slowly learning to appreciate God's timing, however I sometimes still find it easy to slip off my prayers and Bible study when I don't feel like life is happening how and when I want it to happen. Today's class and sermon remind me to stay faithful and disciplined. God's answer will come when the time is right. So for now...Praying for patience on top of my other prayers!
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